30 Things I’ve Never Seen In A Yoga Studio
- I’ve never seen someone answer their phone to take a “work call” in the middle of a class
- I’ve never been told to “push on through” an injury
- I’ve never seen anyone crying with happiness to be back at a yoga studio (and it definitely wasn’t me)
- I’ve never heard a snore like a fucking thunderstorm during savasana
- I’ve never seen the teacher trying and failing for some time to wake that student up
- I’ve never seen a man’s testicle pop out of his shorts
- I’ve never wondered what’s with all the bra tops and criss-cross leggings with bows on
- I’ve never seen a student repeatedly leap up into handstand when the teacher cues a downward facing dog
- I’ve never seen a senior teacher at one of London’s premium yoga studios sigh exasperatedly when someone misinterpreted his cue
- I’ve never seen the same teacher laugh at someone’s attempt to get into a pose
- I’ve never seen the same teacher make his way round the room to adjust the best looking women in the room by grabbing onto their hips and bottom
- I’ve never heard anyone fart
- I’ve never seen a room full of £90 leggings and thought “that’s the essence of yoga”
- I’ve never been told that my liver is right now “detoxing” all the bad stuff in my body because I’m doing a sequence that involves twists
- I’ve never been told to notice the heaviness of my organs
- I’ve never been told to just notice my breath
- I’ve never told others to just notice their breath
- I’ve never seen anyone fall out of crow pose
- I’ve never seen anyone dislocate their shoulder
- I’ve never paid £16 for a group yoga class
- I’ve never walked out
- I’ve never tried to make the teacher my best friend because she is so wise and brilliant
- I’ve never said a prayer
- I’ve never been endlessly sad and also grateful
- I’ve never had an out of body experience
- I’ve never felt my mind mirroring my body and vice versa
- I’ve never felt like I had all the answers to everything because all the answers (and questions) were essentially the same thing
- I’ve never thought the £80 mat was worth it
- I’ve never felt full of love
- I’ve never worked it all out ...
But here’s hoping.