The moments that save you

There's a picture of me in a restaurant with my little girl who was 18 months old at the time. It was Christmas time, I had just finished work for the year, we were eating pasta and ice-cream and drinking wine and everything was good.

I'm holding her and nuzzling into her and she's laughing and I am grinning ear-to-ear. My psychotherapist friend told me that in psychology-speak it's called "delighting in your child", and it's one of the things that creates healthy attachments between parents and their children.

I've mainly found when things have seemed hard or desperate in the parenting-zone, it rarely takes that long for a moment or two to come along and drag me out of the mire. Maybe not for long. But just enough.

When we were on a camping* trip recently I had one of those moments of totally perfect joy. Like all these holidays there were ups and downs during the weekend, with knackered kids and tantrums and neediness and minor accidents amongst the excitement and sugary treats and games of hide and seek.

On the first night when I finally got her to sleep I sneaked her hat on her to ward off the chilly night; it has a little velcro strap that goes under her chin and makes her look like Biggles. Looking at her gorgeous chubby sleeping face I got that complete rush of love, gratitude and disbelief that I get to keep a girl like her.

I thought about how affectionate and expressive she is, how funny and smart and full of life, and how proud I am of her. I think it all the time, but life gets in the way and it doesn't always grab me with such urgency. It was the best, wildest feeling.

These moments keep us going in the rough times. Feast on them. Somehow they seem to keep us on track.