When should I finish work and go on maternity leave?
“What we don’t have is reverence or relevance — or even a working understanding of the vulnerability and openness a woman experiences at this time. Our language and culture fails us. This surely explains why many women find this time so complicated and tricky. But whether we recognize it or not, these last days of pregnancy are a distinct biologic and psychological event, essential to the birth of a mother.”
In my pregnancy classes I often ask women, who frequently report being exhausted - because it’s generally exhausting growing a baby - when they plan on finishing work. (In the UK if you’re employed, you can take off up to 12 months to care for your baby, 9 of which are supported by maternity pay provided by the state, or your workplace or the combination of the two. If you’re self-employed you can claim Maternity Allowance payment for 9 months). It’s a less complex decision for women in other countries - for example, in France and Germany maternity leave starts 6 weeks before your due date for all women.
I hear all kind of answers and there’s often real uncertainty in women’s voices, as well as guilt if they’re finishing “early” or guilt if they’re finishing “late” (it’s almost like women are made to feel bad whatever they do!)
For some women there isn’t much choice about when to take leave because of finances, but for most there is at least a little bit of leeway. I understand the trickiness of this decision myself, having made it twice, and how it’s loaded with things like
If I go off too early I might be waiting around, and get bored, or using time I could have used to spend with my baby at the tail end of my mat leave
If I go off too late I might not have time to do the things I want/need to do
I’ve got so much to finish with regards to work, I don’t want to make it hard for others or let anyone down
I want to earn money up until the last moment
It would be easier if we knew when the baby would come! We all know mums who thought first babies would come late, they finish work at 38 weeks and the baby comes two days later. If you finish at 36 weeks and your baby comes at 42, you might wish you’d left it a bit longer. Another tricky layer to our decision-making is that we often have to decide about when we’ll finish months and months before that time, and have no idea of how we might feel at 36 or 38 weeks.
I asked women on Instagram what their experience was - admittedly an unscientific experiment at best in my echo chamber - and there was a real range of experiences. Most women who finished earlier (say, 34-36 weeks) were glad they did, most who finished at 38 weeks+ said they wished they’d stopped earlier BUT there was a good number in the latter group who said it was just right for them, either because they were still feeling really good or because their babies came quite a lot later.
What I really wish for women is that they feel able to do what’s right for them without the (sometimes unconscious) weight of the “shoulds” they carry. Nothing is more important than your sovereignty, than the fact that you get to decide. Everyone’s personality is different, and we all have different emotional and physical experiences of pregnancy. That being said I wanted to unpick some of the ideas we have around putting ourselves second when it comes to pregnancy and motherhood, and make a case for slowing down and putting ourselves at least joint first .
You’re allowed to be a human being (not a human doing)
As we become mothers we cross the threshold from a public-facing world which frequently values productivity into a world with few tangible markers of “achievement”, without appraisals or targets or people telling us we’re doing a good job. The world we come from is often fast-paced, the new one can be slow. Being schooled in these values and characteristics, it’s no coincidence that this can be a tricky transition. Going from one to the other can feel like going from zero to sixty.
Giving yourself time to intentionally adjust to a slower, more home-based pattern is often beneficial. Pregnancy can potentially be a nine month practice of this adjustment that can make settling into motherhood a smoother ride, and maternity leave itself can be a more intense practice period.
If you’re able, you could practice this in pregnancy. How does it feel to book in 30 minutes of rest every day, where you simply lie on the floor with cushions and a blanket? How does it feel to glance at a pile of washing up and instead choose to watch something trashy on tele or read your novel or go for a slow walk or coffee? How does it feel to choose being? Learning to do less is a skill, or at least we need time to get into the groove of it - just like a long holiday where we can’t relax until day 5, when we finally start to unwind.
Notice if you feel resistance to going slow and doing less - boredom, wanting distraction, anxiety, feeling the need to be productive. It’s often useful to experience and sit with these emotions or seek support if the emotions are really challenging - if you’re feeling anxious when you stop doing, for example, then getting support during pregnancy is an excellent idea.
However if the idea of lots of time on your hands sounds horrendous to you, of course you can reject it!
Meeting yourself (and your energy level) where you’re at
For most people the last weeks and often months of pregnancy are a time of feeling pretty exhausted. You’re carrying a demanding passenger whose weight and toll on your body is steadily increasing and you’re entirely nurturing their aliveness (please read that again and allow it to sink in, if you’re wondering why you feel tired “just” from running an errand to the post office). It’s commonly assumed that you start to feel really exhausted from 35 or 36 weeks, but for some women their bodies may be giving a very clear signal to slow down from a month or so earlier than this.
Again, this is an amazing practice opportunity to respect your energy levels. If you’ve ever done menstrual cycle tracking you’ll know how valuable it is to know why your energy may be higher or lower at certain times. We can work with, not against what our bodies are presenting - again, this is super useful practice for the postnatal period. You may be able to hazard a guess as to your own situation based not just on how you’ve felt in pregnancy but also on whether you’re a super energetic person or whether you often get tired or ill if you overdo it. Either way, your energy levels are not a reflection of your innate value as a person.
It’s ok to put yourself first
Depending on your personality and what you need, having time and headspace can be extremely valuable to emotionally prepare for birth and motherhood. You might have had loads of time during pregnancy for introspection, hot lavender baths and self-care, educating yourself about birth and journalling your feelings about motherhood, walks in nature, cooking yourself nourishing food, spending time with friends or family (especially other mums or mums to be) who lift your spirits, practising affirmations and meditations … but for many of us life can pretty busy until mat leave starts. Does three or four weeks of this kind of self-care before you become a mother sound dreamy to you? If it doesn’t and you’re likely to get bored after you’ve done the batch-cooking and washing baby clothes you wanted to do, then listen to your gut!
Lots of mums will share that they want maximum time with their babies, but it’s worth considering that an extra ten days of rest and self-care at the beginning might be more valuable than your baby starting childcare ten days later at the other end. Might your baby benefit from you feeling more relaxed and ready at the start? Again, YOU might not feel this, but it’s ok to allow yourself this time if you feel it would support you.
A doula friend shared with me that in Germany the six mandatory weeks of maternity leave is called “mutterschutz” which translates as protection of the mother. When you become a mum it’s likely you’ll get very well acquainted with conversations around self-care and self-preservation, because a depleted, burnt out mother is not good for anyone. You will hear the phrase “you can’t pour from an empty cup” many times (I hope). Right now can be a great time to fill that cup in advance of what’s to come.
It might give you a better birth experience
This is a big factor, but it’s based on small studies so not conclusive. A study by Guendelman et al in 2009 looked at women who took mat leave early or worked right up until they gave birth, and found that women who took leave were almost four times less likely to have a Caesarian birth than the group that didn’t. Another Canadian study found that women who had a straightforward birth had on average taken a week more leave than women who had complications during their birth (both studies reported in Sophie Messager’s book Why Postnatal Recovery Matters).
More research is needed but I wouldn’t be surprised if these results were replicated with bigger studies. I’d want to know if there was any other factors that distinguished the women who took mat leave from those who didn’t, for example antenatal preparation, or if there were marked differences in their attitude about birth. Birth is a complex beast; its outcomes are influenced by systemic medical practices and physiological factors but also psychological ones - how we feel about birth and our own abilities, how we’re supported (or not) by those around us.
Is it likely that finishing work earlier = less stress = more calm and relaxed = higher likelihood of a smoother and less complicated birth, and also finishing work earlier = less exhausted = higher likelihood of a smoother and less complicated birth? Yes, I think in general terms it’s very likely.
One of the things on my list for the last month of pregnancy is taking rest time each day to release and relax my pelvic floor, because I’m pretty sure mine is strong and that actually I just need to work on softening, on letting go. Something similar is the case for many of us - our bodies hold everything we feel emotionally, and pelvic floor gripping is a layered physical and psychological response to stresses or unknowns. The opposite of holding on is also exactly what we need to do to help our baby come. We can all ask ourselves: what is it I need to do to help my baby come, to help myself feel ready in myriad ways? Only you can explore the answers.
Jana Studelska’s wonderful article on the liminal time between pregnancy and birth is a great short read on this topic.