Stop the war

Do you go through periods of feeling really confident in what you do, in the flow of things and then inevitably, something sets you off course and you feel insecure again? I certainly do. It’s often something someone says that could be tiny and not even directed at me but that still bothers me, makes me question what I’m doing and how I’m doing it.

Should I do something differently? Should I be more like someone else? Why did I ever feel so confident to begin with?

I wish I could say that I had the secret to never feeling this way again but to be honest, I don’t think it’s possible - not for anyone, not for zen monks, not for super models, not for Oprah. We all go through these periods of flying and falling, the latter when we compare ourselves to others, when we experience more and more self-doubt.

But I think it’s possible is to train ourselves to notice these thoughts, and label them not as “reality” but “a version of a story”. This is something I, at the age of 37, have finally managed to take on board (for the most part).

Sometimes these thoughts might bring me real, useful ideas to ponder but so often that isn't the case - instead the thoughts are repetitive, critical, fearful. I recognise them because I've experienced them so many times before; I'm pretty bored of them. And so I acknowledge them but also make a commitment not to give them too much airtime.

Meditation teacher Jack Kornfield talks about “stopping the war” on old patterns of behaviour, and I love this phrase because sometimes we can be our own worst enemy, waging the worst of the war against ourselves. Sometimes struggling with our own internal narrative can be as simple as hearing the music start playing and just saying: no, I don’t need to listen for now.

When I feel doubts or self-criticism rear up I recognise that it’s time to go into quiet mode and sit it out, a kind of hibernation where I wait while things settle. I emerge when I’m feeling more upbeat and inevitably the thoughts have lost their urgent and compelling nature. They don't seem quite so true any more.

Maybe this resonates with you and today you can just notice where your mind goes and what thoughts pop up, and if they are critical, or kind, or circular in nature. And perhaps choose to stop the war, just for a moment.