DAY 9 - Sorry (21 DAYS OF RAGE)

This is the 9th instalment of a 21 day writing series about maternal rage and anger.

Back in the early days of a relationship, my boyfriend went missing for a night. He was due to come back to my flat in east London after a work night out, but when I woke in the early hours, he wasn't there.

He didn't answer his phone and the fact that he hadn't messaged was out of character and made me uneasy. I ended up deciding to call his flatmate, and she confirmed he wasn't home and she didn't know where he was.

I grew increasingly worried but knew there was little I could do. In the end after some hours, his flatmate called me - he was back home safe and would call in the morning. I felt discombobulated but very relieved he was ok.

When we spoke in the morning he was deeply apologetic and also a little vague on details. I didn't press him and that evening, when he came round to spend the evening with me, he again apologised profusely for worrying me. I didn't ask for more information and no more was offered. I felt weird and a bit worried but for various reasons I was clear on, it felt wise not to dig any deeper.

After that it felt like our relationship shifted gear. Maybe we had both been circling around each other and big questions around commitment and whether there was a future between us. Now it felt more certain that there was, and our obvious connection and love for each other started to win out over other factors like timing and fear and all the things that can happen at the beginning.

So many things happen between people with unintended consequences. There is so much mystery in us and between us. Conflict and drama often clarify our feelings and provide an opportunity for connection.

The more I experience life the more it becomes clear that I can't control it. I can't choose how I feel and I can't choose the things that will happen. I can try and stay healthy in every sense of the word, ask for the help and wisdom of others, be kind, have courage, stay open and optimistic and honest. But I will mess up. That's the only certainty. That and how I commit to repairing afterwards. Doing it with hugs, with apologies, with the right words - just enough, not too many. Repair has a feeling, it comes from love. It denotes safety and affirms our intentions and invites healing. Just like rage, it has a lot to teach us.