Enough space

How to create a space for someone to say what they need to say and feel heard? In the circles of women I sit in every week as part of my classes, I think about the right questions to ask that open a space for someone to contemplate and speak. 

The feeling of a group of empathic people listening to you attentively can be cathartic and therapeutic and a great boost for our self-esteem, as we find a willingness to talk and be heard and take up space in the world. 

Being quiet while the person thinks or speaks, however long they need, is an obvious way to create this space. And the non-verbal stuff like nodding, keeping eye contact, making sure my body language is open and receptive.

Sometimes it feels appropriate to say something after they’ve finished speaking that validates what they’ve said. And sometimes it feels better to leave the space open afterwards, so the extra room isn’t filled by me placing myself in the middle of it (an interruption, a rupture in a moment, moving attention from them to me).

Sometimes it works to open the space up to others and ask if they have anything to add. Sometimes it feels ok to say something about my own experience and sometimes it doesn’t. On the one hand, this isn’t about me; on the other hand it can be helpful to hear others’ experiences and I don’t like placing myself in the position of unattached, robotic observer. 

And at times I do one of these things and reflect that another option might have been more appropriate. Unless you’re psychic it’s impossible to get this stuff “right” all the time but if the intention is there I’d argue that’s the most important thing. 

In my family when either I or my partner try and solve each other’s problems one of us usually ends up realising that the person just wanted to be heard, not have solutions offered. Actually it’s simple to say “that sounds really hard. I’m sorry you’re feeling that way.” To keep listening, and keep the space wide open for every imaginable, legitimate feeling to be felt.