Your Precious Energy
The other day I was signing off an email and wrote xxx then changed it to xx. It may sound ridiculous but writing three kisses felt like giving away a bit too much of my precious energy, in recognition that it is a finite resource and that it's not my job to constantly dole out "niceness" to everyone.
Do you notice when and how you expend your energy? Little things like children asking you constant questions about something, or you holding space for their huge spectrum of their (very vocal and fluctuating) thoughts and emotions. The sensation that you should be doing something, whether it’s cooking a meal from scratch or taking time to make yourself “look nice”. Meetings at work where you have to listen and concentrate and speak. Every time you try and be a good partner or parent or employee - the way you don’t snap back, or think carefully about your response to something, or be strategic, or try to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.
Your commute. Housework. You feeding the baby at night. Phoning the plumber. You deciding what to cook and then cooking it. Thinking what to buy people for Christmas then buying it. Your early mornings with a small child. You running to the train. Your patience. Your patience.
Exhausting, isn’t it? There will always be things to do, even if we manage to reduce our expectations on ourselves or delegate or win the lottery and get staff (someone still has to tell the staff what to do). How do you recover and replenish? Can you/do you build in time, even small pockets, for that? The more time goes on the more I am convinced most of us need way more rest time (separate from sleep - comfortable stillness, without distraction) than we think. It’s a necessary way to preserve and protect ourselves from the plate-spinning of parenthood and modern life.
I read about Christine Kane's "energy leaks", which aren’t just ways you use your energy but specific unfinished tasks or projects that you've been meaning to do for ages and eat little holes in your energy reserves. Maybe you've procrastinated over something or more likely just had a million other things to do. I got rid of 2 energy leaks today - ordered a print I'd been umming and ahhing about (a browser window left open, a note to measure a space, is it the right one though? JUST BUY IT) and booked a handiman to help us to some stuff we are too inept to do. Small things that are 2 less things to think about and take up my headspace.