Video 5 - reframing judgement

Notes for video 5

• So far we’ve looked at how the combination of social, biological and psychological contexts of motherhood can create a judgemental environment, one where we are frequently judged (and judge!)

• the suggestion has been judgement as a potentially destructive force, both for our sense of self and our feelings of wellbeing

• but we can also frame judgement as

  1. connected to our intelligence, discernment, values - as an opportunity to work out what is “for” us and what can be discarded. The meaning of a considered decision or a “sound judgement” or good call

  2. as a flag for a moment of vulnerability, as something that’s calling for our attention, curiosity and compassion. Are we feeling vulnerable because we don’t have enough adequate support? Because of something raw and unhealed in us?

• self compassion is about creating a new pattern so we tend towards recognising all the things we are doing, so we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, so we know we’re good enough. This helps us stop seeing other people’s actions as a threat to our own

• motherhood is a journey of highs and lows, forwards and backwards motion … but ultimately one where we mature and grow

Journalling questions for video 5

• Can I think of a time when a judgement (or noticing what others are doing) has allowed me to eventually find more clarity/connection to my values?

• When I feel myself becoming judgemental about myself or others, what is going on here? What is this vulnerability and why might it be emerging? (no wrong answers here!) 

• What have I learnt about myself since I became a mother?

Video 4 - brains and bodies

Notes for video 4

• Group collaboration, feeling part of a group, acting and feeling similar to others in the group, looking to others for validation and leadership - this behaviour emerged from evolutionary requirements and is a key feature of being human!

• The human nervous system is the body’s operating system, sending and receiving messages from one part to another. It monitors, regulates and is there to keep us safe

• Nervous system responses: fight, flight, freeze. All have their own set of hormonal and physiological reactions

• Fight/flight are responses relating to the sympathetic branch of the nervous system; when the body is in rest/digest mode, the parasympathetic branch of the nervous system is activated

• There’s another branch of the nervous system called the social nervous (or social engagement) system whose main function is to provide us with a sense of safety and belonging

• there are two responses when this branch of the nervous system is under stress - fawning (keeping a threat close) or attempting to fit in

• Kimberley Johnson argues that higher oestrogen levels in females can give women “bonding superpowers” but also make them more prone to social comparison and people pleasing

• understanding the human nervous system puts certain human behaviour and feelings into context - for example, moral superiority, fear of being called out, defensiveness, criticism as a way to neutralise a threat, fear of the other

• mothers, especially in the postnatal period, are wired to protect their young - we’re on high alert. Being under-supported, alone, mothering work both invisible and highly judged, lots of needs unmet - it’s no wonder that we feel easily triggered, resentful or judgemental
  

Journalling questions for video 4

• What resonated with me in this video in terms of my own experiences? when have I felt most judgemental? 

• What was going on for me then that may have informed it? 

• What is my nervous system default response - fight, flight, freeze? (it’s ok if it depends on context - and if so, what informs which response you have?)

• Do I identify with the behaviour of fitting in or fawning - are there any examples from my life here?

Video 3 - the social origins of judgement and competition

Notes for video 3

• Good mother ideal (or perfect mother/supermum myth) - a narrative about motherhood, a story or a set of rules or expectations about what a good mother is

• A good mother is seen to be loving and caring, calm and serene, present, organised, energetic, creative all-sacrificing, she never gets angry or bored or longs to be anywhere else; she bakes, always has varied and organic meals on the table

• We absorb these messages about what a good mother is, often without being consciously aware of it. The effects are far and wide-ranging - whether that’s a sense of guilt and inadequacy for not doing enough, for not getting it “right”, or for not feeling the right things; or learning to judge others for not meeting these standards

• These feelings can be powerful and crippling or more subtle but over time, chip away at our self esteem

• We internalise these ideas via social structures around us - the media, advertising, fiction (dramas on TV, films, books), our own families

• There are sub-narratives that particularly speak to us depending on our values, for example more attachment-type parenting or more traditional parenting

• As well as socialisation around what it is to be a good mother, we are also subject to conditioning about what it means to be a good girl. There’s also a powerful cultural story about what good babies/good children are, that can impact how “successful” we feel as mothers

• The good/bad mother binary - the idea that we can only understand - in our minds and culturally - what a “good mother” is by reference to bad mothers 

• There are of course parenting practices or personality characteristics that are genuinely problematic to children (and mothers), but for most of us these are not relevant - we are “good enough”

• This binary - itself necessary to sustain the good mother myth - creates a competitive situation - not everyone can be seen to be a good mother. We need some mothers - or mothering practices/behaviours - to represent the bad or not good enough mother, in order for the “good mother” to truly make sense to us

• Mothering is at once undervalued and invisible - we feel unseen in our efforts - and also we have a real sense of being “watched”, because we know we are liable to be judged in so many scenarios

• Us feeling triggered because of an unmet need or struggle makes sense in the context of how difficult, invisible, pressured and unrecognised this “work” is. Feeling judged is legitimate in this setting

• The system is self-sustaining - we keep striving and feeling not enough, which continues until we pull apart the ideas of what really constitutes a good mother

Journalling questions for video 3

• What resonated with me in this video in terms of my own experiences?

• What “rules” have I internalised in terms of the good mother myth?

• How did it feel to hear a “good mother” described? What about how it felt to hear a bad mother described? 

• Where do I tend to place myself in terms of the good/bad mother binary? 

Video 2 - introduction to judgement in motherhood

Dive into common experiences of judgement in motherhood, types of judgement and what my aims are for this course.

Video 1 - Meet your facilitator

Meet Chloe and hear about her background and approach, as well as her personal experience with judgement and comparison in motherhood.